Does Life Long Marriage Make Sense Any More? Relationship Thoughts by Jamie Gilcig – August 14, 2012

Does Life Long Marriage Make Sense Any More? Relationship Thoughts by Jamie Gilcig – August 14, 2012

CFN –  So I am finding myself at an odd but not unusual place in life.  I’m about to be officially divorced.   It’s my first and nearly 100% sure that only time I’ll ever go through this process.

Again, not unusual, I waited until I was 40 to settle down and I never imagined I’d ever be in this position in life.

Of course I knew the odds are against traditional marriages surviving .   The younger you are the higher the rate of divorce.

But my grand-parents stayed married all of their lives.  My dad had only one marriage, my mom had been divorced at a young age, and most of my aunts and uncles were long timers.

So as I await the final papers it’s given me pause to ponder how I got here in this spot that millions of others are in?   I’ve talked to a lot of people; to professionals that work in this area and frankly there aren’t a lot of answers.

So I thought I’d write about this and put it out there.  I mean; what’s more exotic that personal therapy in front of thousands of strangers?

How do you go from that photo to having emotional moments about spice jars?   I spent nearly 3,000 days of my life with my wife and  vice versa and yet we’re now strangers having not spoken a word in over a year.   Totally strange, I know, but again far too common.

I think there are more reasons people break, drift, or run apart than come together.    Depending on your age and life situation there’s always the old saw of wanting to create a family.    That’s a great reason, but is it truly a life commitment?   With life spans growing, at least until recently, were we meant to mate for 70+ years?  Don’t our needs change over time?  Don’t we change over time?

SEX  

We of course all want to be loved and objectified.   We want to be wanted and we want to enjoy that very special process that makes so many wacky!     Of course some want more of sex and some less.   In today’s age of odd and frightening social diseases the thought of having a healthy safe mate to copulate with is amazing.   Of course that requires a lot of trust and really strong communication.   And what happens if people change?   What if we grow tired of our partners sexually over time or one partner can’t or loses interest in sex? Does that mean a marriage ends?

Is sex a reason to get married?  Stay together?  Break apart?  Can a marriage survive if one partner gives up on sex?

Friends, Family, Job

We don’t just marry our spouse.  We marry his or her friends and family.  We end up sometimes with their offspring and/or pets.  What if their child hates you or is deranged?  What if your pet doesn’t get along with her pet?   Can a marriage survive if someone’s family hates the person you marry?    In talking to people this really hits home more for women and than men.  Women generally seem more dependent on their circle of life’s opinion about just everything.

The Break UP

Now this is always interesting in long term relationships.   What do you keep, what do they get?  Sometimes it’s easier to just walk away and start fresh.  I remember my wife arguing about a half bottle of gin and neither of us really drank gin.     Of course it depends on why your marriage crashes and burns.   Infidelity is always a killer.   Money issues are the biggest causes of break ups.    Of course there are jokes that money is one of the biggest causes of marriage!

Good people can simply not make good couples sometimes.     But as I’ve spoken to people over this past year the one thing I’ve heard a lot of was about expectations.     People really don’t change.  They evolve.   They can be polished.  They can learn, but they never change; especially as they get older.

Are enough of us really honest with ourselves before we take that leap?  Are we honest about our expectations of our partners?    Do we look for the same thing?    Do you really make a huge life long decision because you like big boobs or red hair or a HUMONGOUS package?

When you get a pet it’s a 10-20 year commitment, but a spouse?  That’s supposed to be a life time depending on your vows!

Kids & Pets

BOOM!   This is usually a total disaster when kids are involved.  Custody is brutal, but pets can be just as bad.  In our case we parented each others animals for nearly 8 years.    Losing a beloved pet with no access is not an animal friendly experience.   You can’t really fight for custody of pets as they are considered “Chattel” by the courts.   Possessions.  It’s like trying to get your wife’s old 80’s dance cd’s.   Judges frown on that sort of thing…

So you wake up that first morning.   It feels odd.   For me it was shock.   I think I was in shock for months.   A friend in the states talks about some of his co-workers walking around like zombies at work for months after a break up.    Things are different.   It’s like losing a limb in many ways and still having phantom feelings….

Of course it depends on your break up.  Some are more nasty or amicable than others.  In my case it was mixed as my wife was home sick for BC, way over on the other side of the country and hated the city where we lived.

We don’t bump into each other locally as happens to so many people.

First Dates

Rebound dates are the weirdest things in the world.   On both sides of the equation.  I have no idea why anyone would want to date someone that’s just broken up from a long term relationship.   The person is usually a basket job.    Griping about their ex – comparing the new person to their ex – uncontrollably weeping at that  Rod Stewart song playing in the restaurant…

See there are reasons why we connect with someone and live with them for large chunks of our lives and those are usually very valid.   Just because we break up doesn’t change them.   Yet that person is gone?   Will we find someone better?  Mathematically speaking the answer is usually yes.  I spoke with one gentleman who shared that for 15 years after his first break up he just dated.   Lightness and sex, but nothing serious because he just wasn’t ready.

Of course the newly on the market are vulnerable.   They can feel rejected and have issues.   The older they are the harder this can be and there are sharks a swimming in the world.

And then one day, a year, two years, or ten years down the road you wake up and realize that even though you’re scarred for life you’ll be fine.  You’ll survive and probably live to make an even bigger mistake down the road!

I think for me it’s always been about learning from each relationship in my life even if it’s only a morsel from each one.

Sometimes it’s hard to remember that we can do so much right in relationships or life and still end up with blech results.

Sometimes we win the lottery of love and sometimes we just have to crumple the paper and buy another ticket.

So amazing viewers of The Cornwall Free News.  Your turn to share on your relationship theories and experiences.   You can post your comments below.

And to my lovely, intelligent, and amazing ex wife to be out in British Columbia I hope that you get all the blessings in this life you wanted.   And please give my Lee Loo a kiss on her very old nose!

Time does heal most wounds and it does this magical trick of making the good memories usually shine more than the dark ones.

(Comments and opinions of Editorials, Letters to the Editor, and comments from readers are purely their own and don’t necessarily reflect those of the owners of this site, their staff, or sponsors.)

Flowers Cornwall

Related Post

Leave a Reply

23 Comments on "Does Life Long Marriage Make Sense Any More? Relationship Thoughts by Jamie Gilcig – August 14, 2012"

Notify of
avatar
400
stellabystarlight
Guest

Wow Jamie……I sincerely hope things get better for you!!

You may have heard this before, but here it goes again.

There comes a point in your life when you realize
Who matters..who never did and who won’t anymore
And who always will
So don’t worry about people from your past
There’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.

stellabystarlight
Guest
Jamie….. Many times it seems that couples take each other for granted after being together for some time. We become too comfortable with each other thinking we have it made for life…..not so. Nothing is forever, it is an endless task that takes communication to make it work and yet sometimes that doesn’t work. Remember the words of this song “I don’t know what went wrong but the feeling gone and I just can’t get it back”? At that point….there is no sense in even trying. I feel one needs to take time to build a strong foundation and also… Read more »
jules
Guest
Jamie I am a woman who is 61 years old and I have been married now for 38 years next month. Heaven help me. My husband is Lebanese Christian and we have very little in common. He is from Lebanon and it is real guess work at times and our temperament is entirely different. I need a card of sympathy at times. My parents were married for 50 years until dad died and they went through the great depression of the 30’s era and with all the hell that they went through together and raised two girls during the depression… Read more »
Reg Coffey
Member
Hey Jamie, I just had to comment on this one even though I am down here in California. I am here for the wedding of a nephew and his lovely soon-to-be wife. I don’t know what makes a sucsessful marriage for everyone. I know about my own 36 year marriage. My wife and I are still together because we have shared our lives both as individuals and as a couple. We have gone through tragedies and have survived. We share each other’s successes without any petty jealousy. Most of all we approach life with a shared sense of humour. If… Read more »
stellabystarlight
Guest

Reg……Your key words were “we shared our lives as individuals and as a couple” Individuality is a must.

Have a good time in CA. **smile**

jules
Guest
Reg Coffey you are so right about sharing through the good and the bad and also that sense of humor which we both have. My husband is 6 years my senior and his temperament is something else. I have to joke things off and laugh and later he comes down from his crazy episodes of blowing up steam like those Mediterraneans do. You have to overlook so much including all the insults that I have to take but I have to compromise in the best way I can to make things work. We are complete opposites and my husband always… Read more »
tnpreacher555
Member
Jamie, in my family, my father, my stepfather, all my brothers, and one sister all were divorced once or twice, or have married those who have been divorced. My older brother even took in my half brother’s wife and they lived together for years, even had children. Now they have gone their separate ways! But I have been never divorced, by God’s grace I have broken the curse of drunkenness and divorce that has literally destroyed my family. What has made the difference? Of course, I am going to give God all the credit for these twenty-five years, but a… Read more »
Shirley
Guest
That is quite the discussion you opened up Jamie. Since people are being so candid. I am in the process of breaking up after a 30+ year marriage, something I made every attempt to avert until I felt that it was no longer an option to continue as things stood. Sociologically, divorce at the 35 year mark is very common nowadays as couples reach the empty nest stage, look at each other, and say “Do we want to do another 30 plus years with this other person?” It is perfectly understandable if you give people a chance to explain themselves.… Read more »
Wow!
Guest

Mrs. Wow! and I have been married for 17 years and it will continue until I die.

tnpreacher555
Member
Shirley writes – “Marriage is for …”. How about for the honor, and glory of God. Marriage sets for the example of Christ and His bride – the church. Every human marriage is to follow that model. Christ will never divorce His church, so according to the Word of God divorce is breaking the marriage covenant made before God – other words it is sin in God’s eyes. Malachi 2:14-16 “Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and… Read more »
stellabystarlight
Guest
Shirley…all the best to you!!! At least you can say you tried. Sometimes things happen that are unavoidable and we must do what has to be done to have peace of mind and be happy. No one should have to change who they are for their partner. It is better to be lonely alone then to feel loneliness and emptiness with another. Something I read but forget the author: You were not put into this world to live up to my expectation Nor was I to live up to yours. You are you and I am I And if by… Read more »
jules
Guest
Pastor Newton said it right about marriage being compared to God’s church and that God doesn’t divorce His church. In past years of the 50’s and before that divorce was taboo and still is in many cultures. In my husband’s country of Lebanon the church runs the government and there is no divorce except what they call an anulment given by the Pope in Rome. The only divorce is granted to Islamic people because their own “sheck” leaders hold a trial before granting a divorce and it is under their laws. In my husband’s country there are only certain reasons… Read more »
Ed
Member

I’ve been happily with my partner for twenty-eight years and counting. No god, no church, no marriage vows required.

tnpreacher555
Member

But Ed, your marriage has not glorified God at all. What other reason has God given to you to be here on this earth?

1 Corinthians 10:31 “Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God”.

Ed
Member

But Tom, my relationship with my partner was never intended to glorify something which does not exist.

jules
Guest
People are way too materialistic today and hard times are coming a great deal worse than what we have today. When people feel the pinch marriages usually break up because they cannot stand the heat of it all. People cannot do with less. Well folks I do with a great deal less and I am no different now in my little hovel than if I lived in a mansion because all that means absolutely nothing. We are in the end times and we don’t know when Jesus decides to come back but He will at His own time and that… Read more »
jules
Guest
Marriage is like the foundation of a house and when there are cracks in the foundation there is trouble where water gets in and deteriorates the house. Well in marriage if you do not correct the problems then they get a lot worse and it does kill a marriage. I want everyone to go on youtube.com and listen to this wonderful passage which if 45 minutes long and I want all of you to listen to it from beginning to end and there is a Messianic Jews (a Jesus believer – rabbi) and a Messianic Jew host and listen mighty… Read more »
cynthia
Guest

does life long marriage make sense any more?
depends on who is answering the question, it is a matter of perspective and personal opinion.
one thing i know for sure , we don’t divorce the person we marry. we change and grow as we age, some of us change and grow together , some of us move apart.
perhaps we experience more than one (intended) life long marriage per lifetime.

Darcy Neal
Member
Dear Jamie, Please accept my appreciation for your honest open presentation of your personal private life. You have much courage to reveal such affairs in our open public sphere. Interpersonal relationships is our source of joy and of misery within our individual living environments. We continually seek pleasurable experiences while trying to avoid pain including emotional pain. Men and women have natural moments together when it is shear pleasure, be it physical or emotional and we also have moments where it is pure pain to be in the same environment. I have been there. I am divorced and I am… Read more »
tnpreacher555
Member

Darcy writes – “My wedding vows to Francine were and still are; “You be you, I be me, when we can, let’s share some time together.”

Darcy what does it mean when the Scriptures say concerning marriage-

Genesis 2:24 “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh”.

Mark 10:8 “And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh”.

Neil Macmillan
Guest

Dear Jamie,
To answer your question from personal experience, I would say that it is possible to marry someone you would like to spend all your life (and beyond) with, but you still have to take it one day at a time.
In my case, it’s been close to 44 years and counting, and I can only hope that it will continue. However, in this life, as “stellabystarlight” pointed out, we should never take anything for granted.

jules
Guest
Hi Jamie: You mentioned something interesting in your post on marriage about if you marry someone who hates the person you marry. Well I can tell you something out of experience is that when in-laws meddle into a couple’s life (not hate but either jeolousy or putting the other person down and running down the spouse to the husband or wife – too much interference) well problems sure do happen. I had that experience with my MIL when she came to Canada when my son was born and all hell broke loose here in this same apartment and it was… Read more »
stellabystarlight
Guest

Jules…..as for women catering to men, I think men should cater to women also. It’s a two way street. Thinking to be catered to once in awhile shows appreciation for the other. It also feels nice *smile*

As far as partnerships go, both should contribute in pleasing the other. No one should have to forfeit their needs to please the other. Respect goes a long way in keeping a couple together.

wpDiscuz