CFN – When I was growing up, my mother and father would talk to each other about their private bathroom activities, in foul and thorough detail. Even worse, when one was in the shower, the other would barge into the bathroom and pee, without shame.
In these too-intimate moments, I’d hear them talk from the other side of the door. Admittedly, these moments were probably one of the few they had alone.
My sister and I both swore that when we were married, we’d never talk about poop – or any other gross bodily function for that matter – with our husbands. My parents would laugh at these declarations. “Yes you will!” they’d say.
As parents usually are, they were right.
During my morning shower, my husband will often come into the bathroom and pee, the toilet within easy view; thankfully, all I see is his back. He clips his toenails in front of me (something, oddly, I can’t bring myself to do in front of him). We’ll stand next to each other in front of the same mirror and floss our teeth together. I am grateful that some things are still left as private endeavors – nose picking, throwing up, evacuating of bowels.
But we still talk about it.
This certainly isn’t what I imagined married life to be like. I don’t know what I imagined, to be honest, but performing the unsavory rituals of daily hygiene in full view of my husband certainly didn’t grace my fantasies. A young girl doesn’t daydream about one day peeing in front of the love of her life while talking about what she needs to pick up at the grocery store.
That vision isn’t in romance novels or rom-com chick flicks.
Intimacy is an idealized notion – whispered affections under the covers, hand holding, a lingering kiss before leaving for work, cuddling on the couch. Perhaps when a couple first starts dating, all these precious scenes define intimacy.
But the real definition of intimacy is much different. It’s complete and total comfort to be yourself, and that means not hiding your gross side.
The real measure of closeness arrives with the first uncensored fart. If you can do that in front of each other, by God, you may have a long-lasting, meaningful relationship on your hands. You better start designing the wedding invitations the very next day.
Such a level of comfort – the freely farting, unabashedly peeing kind of comfort – only exists with true love. It’s the same comfort that keeps you from feeling awkward when neither of you speaks at dinner. It assures you that no matter how disgusting you are, the other person still loves you.
Until you’re married – or in a long-term, committed relationship – you don’t realize that you will know your spouse’s body as well as your own. You’ll share bowel habits. You’ll exchange descriptions of heartburn and the viscosity and color of mucus. You’ll be cut viciously on the leg by your husband’s long toenail just as you’re falling asleep. You’ll also be trapped in your own bed after he breaks wind, pinching your nose as he laughs uncontrollably.
This is love. Sharing disgusting secrets you can’t tell anyone else. Being yourself, in all your burping, farting, oozing glory, every day of your life.
And at the end of the day, being cherished, desired, loved – and still sexy. That, indeed, is a small miracle.
JH Mae is a feature journalist and short fiction writer based in rural northern New York.
She worked for five years at a local newspaper, followed by three years as a secretary.
She recently left the office life to pursue a full-time writing career and now works in her pajamas.
To learn more about here you can visit her website by clicking HERE http://jhmae.com/
JH Mae – interesting but truthful article. Being married 27 years, my wife and I can relate to this article quite well, even as you wrote of. I do not agree with “or in a long-term, committed relationship” as being on the same level as marriage. This is why –
In marriage the Bible says – the man and woman become one flesh. Note Gen 2:24-25 “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed”. Without being married officially before God and man there can never be this “one fleshness” . See the intimacy revealed in verse 25 – “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed”.
It also says in the Bible – Mar 10:7-9 “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.
What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder”. Somethings to consider in intimacy in the light of becoming one flesh in marriage. 🙂
So, my thirty year “committed relationship” with the love of my life isn’t legitimate because it hasn’t been approved by Mr. Newton’s god? Oh my! I guess we’ll be tossed into that lake of fire to burn for eternity.
After 38 years of marriage I can honestly say that a sure sign of love is cleaning up after your spouse (or significant other) when an illness causes liquid emissions out of both ends even though the smell just might send you into convulsions. You do it because you don’t want the love of your life feeling even worse than they do already. You do it because you know they have and will clean up after you.
As far as flatulence goes, girl farts are the worst!!!
I agree on the girl fart thing Reg; defo!
I had a good laugh about the farts because my husband is an expert in that field and mighty embarrassing when you go shopping with him and he does that. Marriage is a giving take type of life and it isn’t easy at all but when you love and care for that person you do all you can to help them. Marriage is for better or worse. I remember one of my mother’s neighbors who said that in their case it was more for the worse well we sure had a good laugh. They stayed together till the end.
I don’t know about the fart thing. My lovey and I never do that. 🙂
Furtz I have been laughing a great deal about this for years now and I remember Al Gore who talks about global warming and wanting to put a flagilation tax on farm animals and even humans and I thought about my husband will be in great trouble with his flagilation. LOL LOL. He would bankrupt us with all what he does. Plenty of carbon dioxide right there but carbon dioxide makes things grow. Gee you have a farm maybe I can stick him there and help out with the growth of things. LOL LOL. ROLF! I am having a good laugh at this one.
Here’s a little inspiration for those who feel the need to fart for Jesus.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UV_v1mdniQ
Ah Jules, I hope you mean flatulence and not flagellation. One has to do with excess gas and the other being whipped.
I started reading this article, as I sometimes do, by starting with the comments from the bottom upwards. I’ve got to admit, I was worried about what I was going to find when I reached the actual piece itself.
I feel soiled by this experience, but I know relief is just a couple of match-strikes away.
Sorry, I’d just like to add:
It has recently been scientifically proven that man craves the scent and substance of human-produced methane contained in flatus.
Also, no less elequent a wordsmith than the revered French novelist, Jean Genet suggested that “Everyman loves the smell of his own farts”. And this is the fascinating thing about this subject, we biologically crave the scent of our own flatulence while (normally) finding another’s repulsive and sickening.
OK I don’t want to talk about it anymore!
LOL LOL. Reg I mean farts. No I haven’t whipped my husband at all in all 40 years. I can’t believe that it has been that long. There must be some sort of a reason why we have been married all those years and still going strong. I always said that a good sense of humor in our case and also it is a mixture of giving and taking and accepting everything.
@ Michael. Put those matches away! Countless teenaged boys have wound up in hospital emergency rooms because of injuries sustained while igniting farts. I speak from experience. Don’t do it!!
@Furtz
Too late Furtz.. As a preteen I destroyed a then precious Speedo bathing suit doing same.
Oh the folly of youth!