Toronto Ontario – Relationships are hard. They seem like such a great idea when it’s going well but it never stays great for long. There’s that initial honeymoon phase, where you find yourself being swept off your feet and succumbing to some of your wildest desires and most primitive states.
We find someone – we mate. Sometimes we even experiment because we aren’t quite sure what we want yet
I know what I need from a relationship, but needing and wanting are two very separate things. In a relationship I need commitment. I need honesty and I need time. I want to be a priority even if you have many; I want to know that I matter even if that’s two texts a day, a morning and bedtime text- these things are very important to me. I’m not needy and I don’t like to made to feel that way.
If you can’t show me I’m worth it and that even people that you hate are more important to you than I am, sorry buddy, I’m out.
That’s just the way it goes. No exceptions.
I didn’t begin this way. I haven’t exactly had the greatest standards in the past and my track record with the opposite sex shows that quite clearly. I have a bad habit of falling for the emotionally unavailable. My last two loves were this way down to their core. Both of them were extremely different in many ways but with one very defining common trait- they didn’t know what they wanted.
While my second and last love was far better than the first and a hundred times stronger he was a still a boy in so many ways. He could never make up his mind. He couldn’t decide whether to keep me or toss me.
He left me. I still chased after and he let me.
He kept me holding on because he was too afraid to change – not for me but for himself. He had allowed a toxic situation to rule over his life and in the process my heart got caught up in the crossfires. Still, I couldn’t be mad because I was too busy being sad to get angry over him. I wasn’t sorry for myself either I was sad for him. I knew what I wanted and I was dead set on it and in my decision, I became confident in myself.
He, however, was consumed in his own sadness to take control of his life; allowing other people to dictate how he should dress, act, when and how he should be spending his time; I guess me trying to point out the things that he already saw, only pushed him farther from me and closer to them- the people he resented.
He couldn’t stay but he couldn’t go. He wanted to leave, he kept saying; talking about plans he had in order to do just that until he’d back down and give in again and suddenly he was never coming home again. Mad at me, when I told him to stop crying-wolf as he had been time and time again.
I only did that to save my heart.
I grew tired of getting my hopes up and having them dashed.
The last time I saw him he took me to the aquarium but you wouldn’t know that if you saw his posts; my presence was completely erased. I knew then that it was over. I knew I had to move on. We were technically broken up but still acting as though we were together up until that point so I ended it. If I hadn’t we probably would have continued our risky business for a lot longer.
It was Russian roulette with the gun to your heart and I had been shot one too many times to continue.
I’m done with putting all my eggs in one basket for someone who was never sure if they truly wanted me and is unreliable with my heart. There’s was never another girl and he honestly is a great guy but a man who doesn’t know what he wants doesn’t deserve the love I have to offer and I’m done settling for anything less.
My love belongs to someone deserving of it; willing to fight for a place at my side and that’s what
I’m waiting for.
To anyone reading this: if the person you are with is incapable of ever giving you a straight answer and always has somewhere else they’d rather be, if he is constantly canceling plans or coming with excuses not to talk to you, than move on. Save you and your heart for something better.
If they can’t decide between you and something or someone else and are unable to decide which option is the better one- it means you aren’t as important to them, as you’d like to think and you won’t be made to be much of a priority to them even in the future.
If they don’t see your worth then don’t stay.
I say this not to be hurtful. I say it because I’m trying to save you from investing your time into something that will inevitably end. Always remember: it takes two people knowing who and what they want, both out of the relationship and from their partner in order to put the proper effort into keeping it going.
I haven’t found that person yet and that’s okay because I haven’t given up.
I’m still looking for my happily ever after.
Born and raised in Toronto, E. V. Hutcheon studied journalism at St Lawrence College in Cornwall Ontario.
She currently lives in Toronto with her family, three dogs and a rabbit, near the Humber River.