Once upon a time in a land with meandering waters and a moderately tall stinky mountain lived a goblin named Mikey. He had strange neurosis from being the shortest goblin in the village while having dreams of great things.
He was noisy too racing around and chopping up other goblins and monkeys too. The other goblins didn’t know what to do; mostly they hid from Mikey and hoped he wouldn’t chop them up or maybe some big troll would chop up Mikey.
But that didn’t happen because Mikey was protected from the big ogres that lived in a Pitt the went deep into the ground.
Mikey would go chopping up goblins until one day there were almost no goblins left to chop up so he ventured across the meandering waters and discovered a strange place that had moats. There were fish in the moats and fish tasted better than goblins so Mikey started to eat all the fish in the moats. If the strange tall albino people came out of their strange tall caves that weren’t built into any rocks he’d fling pooh at them and jump up and down until they’d run away.
One day a young girl didn’t run away. He went up to her with a hand full of pooh.
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” He said through a mouth full of fish while holding a hand full of pooh?
“No and you’re stinky!” said the flaxen haired child. And then she pushed him into the moat.
Mikey couldn’t swim and was choking on fish. “Helf me, helf me!” he gargled. The little girl looked at him oddly watching is beady little eyes and teeny little head going down under the water a bit longer each time he sunk. His little hands flapping and splashing about.
She put a heavy rock in one of his hands; but it fell.
“If I save you will you be my slave?” She asked? Mikey spit out the last of the fish nodding and choking. She poked him a few times with a stick still not sure if she should pull him ashore or not. He did smell bad and he was so short and noisy. What on earth would she do with him?
He was gasping for air as he lay on his back and she walked around him. Hmm….she thought to herself… I know what I’ll do!
She Princess Susie put him to work cleaning moats! She wasn’t a real Princess though; but she liked to stick her nose in the air and act like one.
Mikey would jump in the moats and eat the fish and she’d give him nothing while getting chickens and trinkets from the other tall folk.
Until one day the tall folk called her to a meeting around the big fire which frightened Mikey who’d throw pooh at it which would frighten the children who already were frightened from all the noise Mikey made when he wasn’t cleaning moats.
“Susie you can’t keep your tiny goblin. He’s eating all of our fish, smells really bad, and makes too much noise. He’s attracting bears and monsters from the woods. We want to go back to the way things were. He’ll have to go.”
Susie knew they were right. He scared her sometimes too as she could hear him scream in his sleep from outside and then other days he’d be beating his head against trees and then stop and say he could hear them laugh at him.
She had no more room for trinkets in her house anyways. So in the morning she went over and kicked him where he was sleeping and hugging a fish.
“You’ll have to go Mikey. This won’t do. Nobody likes you. You just frighten them so we all humour your insane ranting.
Mrs. Adams says you poop in her lovely begonias and flowers. You have to leave the village. ”
Mikey looked up at her. In the morning light she looked mystical. Of course in any light she looked mystical as he couldn’t see very well.
He didn’t know what to do. He hugged his fish tight and his eyeballs rolled to the left and the right as a lonely thought rattled through his tiny head.
He tried growling at her; but she just took a stick and hit him with it. She did it again; because frankly it felt good and he deserved it for being a nasty little goblin.
When Farmer Dale saw her hitting Mikey he showed up with his pitch fork and clonked him a good one too. Witch Julie came over and threw a spell on him and turned him into a smaller goblin.
Mikey knew the gig was up and fled. All he had was a gnarly half chewed fish. He stopped under a tree and chewed on it, not really enjoying it much.
He decided to head back to his old village. It took him many days. Many more days as it should have as he didn’t really know where his old village was. When he finally arrived the goblins were horrified. He gave chase and was about to munch on a very old goblin when the goblin squeaked.
“If you spare my life I will tell you where there is a big fat goblin who lives in a cave full of gold. He’s slow and fat. You’ll enjoy eating him much more than you will a shriveled up old goblin like me!”
Mikey already had the old goblin’s foot in his mouth. He had to spit it out to speak. “A big fat goblin? How big and how fat?”
The old goblin was dying from the blood loss as the blood flowed from where his foot had been; yet he faintly smiled.
“Gold and platinum. More platinum than you’ve ever seen. Pools of it …..” He pointed to the Mountain of No Return and died dramatically and let go a mighty woofter for extra dramatic effect.
So Mikey chewed on the old Goblin’s foot and gazed off towards the mountain. What a great idea he thought to himself as he spat out a toenail.
And off he went.
But that tale is for another time…..
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