Advice to the Lovelorn from Miss Lonely Hearts – August 17, 2011 – Cornwall Ontario

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Dear Miss Lonely Hearts,

Everyday is a sad day now. I don’t know what to do. Juanita and I were perfect for each other. The sun rose because of her smile. The moon couldn’t exist without her. I liked pizza, she liked pizza. I liked Chinese food, she liked Chinese food. I thought everything was fine, then we moved in together. 

I told her that, all my imaginary girlfriends did my laundry by hand in the bathtub. I even got her a hand towel for her knees to show I cared. After six months, we were arguing every day. Her father refused to acknowledge our love by lending me the rent money. Like normal, I spent most of my time playing a board game called, 2012 Rabbits, at Ralph’s place. The collection agents weren’t going to find me there. 

Then my imaginary girlfriend threatened to leave me because I wasn’t making enough time for her. So I quit my job on Parliament Hill and went on welfare, figuring that way, we could be together all the time and I wouldn’t have to steal unmarked white vans to get to Ottawa every day. Juanita said, she didn’t know if she wanted me holding her back in life. She was blaming me for everything, slamming doors and saying awful things. She said my brother was a better lover, that hurt. To prove that her love was only for me, obviously I was the one who buried her cat. Until our cell phone contracts went to collection, we were text arguing night and day. She pushed me into such a depression, that I missed my appointment at Ontario works, so they cut my cheque. You know what they say about, when money goes out the window. The money I had been saving by shoving down a rat hole also turned out to be missing. So much for craptastic Bay Street advice. Don’t you wish they would all just jump out the window? 

 Juanita, who was the best imaginary girlfriend I ever had, left me and also stole my collection of Zap and Mr. Natural comics.  Her note said, “All my relationships end up this way. It’s not my fault. It’s the way I am.” 

Now I can’t afford to buy imaginary dog food for my imaginary dog and lately it has been rushing the door, biting my leg and barking at me. My imaginary love life has been going down hill for some time. I feel I need another imaginary girlfriend who will be more attentive to my needs but then I feel guilty about my needs and women always place me on such a pedestal. The women at Fatty Cats and Lolla’s say, they won’t wash my clothes and the police said, if I went back I’d be in breach of conditions. All I have left now are my gnomes. Where do I go from here? Maybe I could stay at your place until things work out. I could be a real help to you.

          Your attentive reader, Fast Eddy of First Street.


Dear Fast Eddy of First Street,

Wow.   You sound a right mess.   I think the key to any relationship is the ability to listen and the ability to say something close to the right thing at close to the right time.  Sometimes you can win an arguement and end up eating a TV dinner from Giant Tiger alone while telling jokes to your cat.

In life, you have to take a step back and look at the big picture.   Of course how far back is  whole other question.

I suggest a course of corn liqour and perhaps some prescription medication?    A few good country music songs or maybe some blues and long walks by the waterfront, and if that doesn’t work remember that good hygiene and a good attitude can lead to your gnomes liking you better.

Miss Lonely Hearts!   OO

(Comments and opinions of Editorials, Letters to the Editor, and comments from readers are purely their own and don’t necessarily reflect those of the owners of this site, their staff, or sponsors.)

Moustache Joes


  1. Say what??? Me thinks someone is over medicating.

  2. I thought I was the only one. I’m tired of constantly making excuses for my imaginary wife and why we can’t attend parties. We’re not going to break up though. I’ve a better sense of commitment, besides the imaginary kids will be back at school soon. Good luck, Eddy. No, you can’t crash on my couch. You sound shallow.

  3. Don’t make the mistake I did. My wife’s imaginary sister was flirting with me. I fell for it, got caught. My imaginary divorce causes me a lot of embarrassment with my co-workers. Now if I can’t convince Willow to get an imaginary abortion, the support will kill me.

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