CFN – A ringing phone is not a welcome thing in my house. It usually heralds a conversation with someone I don’t like, news that someone’s sick or dead, unpleasant family gossip, or maybe – my favorite – a telemarketer or wrong number. I barely ever use my landline. TheContinue Reading
CFN – When I was growing up, everyone I knew hated getting their picture taken. Whenever someone would barge in with a camcorder propped on their shoulder or a camera in their hands, people would run for cover. And who liked picture day at school? No one. We used picturesContinue Reading
CFN – I’ve never been lucky with the ladies. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been able to develop a really good giggle. And that’s what I call a group of girls. A group of elk is a gang, of crows is a murder, of frogs is an army. A groupContinue Reading
CFN – My grandpa likes to tell the following story and usually for an audience of at least a dozen. He was a farmer for decades and for a long time, sold eggs. One day when I was probably four years old, I went along with him to deliver eggs.Continue Reading
CFN – Everything in my mother’s house matches. The curtains match the furniture, the furniture matches the carpet, the pictures on the wall were carefully chosen, and even the TV stand is elegant. She is now on the market for some new furniture and I’m certain she will agonize overContinue Reading
CFN – Life is already messy and complicated. Why can’t the simple things be simple, straightforward and easy? I was thinking this while a pharmacist told me my brand new health provider had no idea who I was. She gave them my name, my birthday and my enrollment number andContinue Reading
CFN – I’m finally the proud owner of a health insurance plan. It covers nothing, but if I get a kidney stone or break my coccyx, I’m covered. Thanks, Obamacare! This isn’t an anti-Obamacare rant or a blushing endorsement, I’m simply glad to have insurance. I’m not, however, thrilled atContinue Reading
CFN – My two-year-old nephew absolutely loves my husband. Every time we’re at his house, the boy takes him by the finger and leads him onto the living room floor, and they play with Legos, and blocks and Matchbox cars until my husband can’t feel his legs. He’s six-foot-two andContinue Reading
CFN – The other day I saw an author on TV promoting a book he wrote about how we’ve all been lied to about the health benefits of drinking milk. I guess I’m supposed to bow down to this man – he’s clearly more educated than me – and heedContinue Reading
CFN – I’m surrounded by robots. I’ve seen “Terminator“ so I know how this ends: with them killing us all. Scientists are already predicting that by 2029, our robots will be smarter than us. This is what you call a slippery slope, folks. I don’t seriously believe that but IContinue Reading
CFN – I don’t really watch music videos anymore, mostly because the majority seem to feature writhing, half-naked women. But I’m actually aware of and quite addicted to the video for Pharrell’s “Happy.” What’s so great about it? It features a bunch of adults boogying, some with great rhythm andContinue Reading
CFN – My family practices a neurotic ritual. When we leave after a visit to each other’s houses, we spend a solid 10 minutes saying goodbye. “Goodbye” has to be the absolute last thing said just before the door shuts – shouted through the crack in the slowly closing door,Continue Reading
CFN -I’ve always been a coward. For years I’ve kept hidden inside my head a numbered list of things I’ve always wanted to try but never found the nerve to do. In my defense, I also have a list in my head of all the things I’ve wanted toContinue Reading
CFN – I had an unusual day last Sunday. I didn’t work or obsessively check the news. I think I even kept my iPad in another room. So I was shocked when my mother called me sometime in the afternoon to tell me Philip Seymour Hoffman had been found deadContinue Reading
CFN – We have all kinds of rules to govern our behavior. The law tells us we can’t punch our neighbor for accidentally mowing over our daffodils, or kidnap his dog for ransom. But there are other “laws,” ones that tell us what’s appropriate to say and do in everydayContinue Reading
CFN – I swear, the world didn’t used to be this bananas. But everyone says that when they get older. We paint the world of our childhoods with an idealized brush and everything looks worse by comparison. But I really feel like the world is, in fact, going to hell.Continue Reading
CFN – In my day – and my day wasn’t that long ago – people waited for things. I recall one day in 7th grade on the bus. A friend of mine gave me a cassette tape catalog and I ordered Dave Matthews Band’s “Under the Table and Dreaming.” My motherContinue Reading
CFN – When I was growing up, my mother and father would talk to each other about their private bathroom activities, in foul and thorough detail. Even worse, when one was in the shower, the other would barge into the bathroom and pee, without shame. In these too-intimate moments, I’dContinue Reading