Does Life Long Marriage Make Sense Any More? Relationship Thoughts by Jamie Gilcig – August 14, 2012

Does Life Long Marriage Make Sense Any More? Relationship Thoughts by Jamie Gilcig – August 14, 2012

CFN –  So I am finding myself at an odd but not unusual place in life.  I’m about to be officially divorced.   It’s my first and nearly 100% sure that only time I’ll ever go through this process.

Again, not unusual, I waited until I was 40 to settle down and I never imagined I’d ever be in this position in life.

Of course I knew the odds are against traditional marriages surviving .   The younger you are the higher the rate of divorce.

But my grand-parents stayed married all of their lives.  My dad had only one marriage, my mom had been divorced at a young age, and most of my aunts and uncles were long timers.

So as I await the final papers it’s given me pause to ponder how I got here in this spot that millions of others are in?   I’ve talked to a lot of people; to professionals that work in this area and frankly there aren’t a lot of answers.

So I thought I’d write about this and put it out there.  I mean; what’s more exotic that personal therapy in front of thousands of strangers?

How do you go from that photo to having emotional moments about spice jars?   I spent nearly 3,000 days of my life with my wife and  vice versa and yet we’re now strangers having not spoken a word in over a year.   Totally strange, I know, but again far too common.

I think there are more reasons people break, drift, or run apart than come together.    Depending on your age and life situation there’s always the old saw of wanting to create a family.    That’s a great reason, but is it truly a life commitment?   With life spans growing, at least until recently, were we meant to mate for 70+ years?  Don’t our needs change over time?  Don’t we change over time?

SEX  

We of course all want to be loved and objectified.   We want to be wanted and we want to enjoy that very special process that makes so many wacky!     Of course some want more of sex and some less.   In today’s age of odd and frightening social diseases the thought of having a healthy safe mate to copulate with is amazing.   Of course that requires a lot of trust and really strong communication.   And what happens if people change?   What if we grow tired of our partners sexually over time or one partner can’t or loses interest in sex? Does that mean a marriage ends?

Is sex a reason to get married?  Stay together?  Break apart?  Can a marriage survive if one partner gives up on sex?

Friends, Family, Job

We don’t just marry our spouse.  We marry his or her friends and family.  We end up sometimes with their offspring and/or pets.  What if their child hates you or is deranged?  What if your pet doesn’t get along with her pet?   Can a marriage survive if someone’s family hates the person you marry?    In talking to people this really hits home more for women and than men.  Women generally seem more dependent on their circle of life’s opinion about just everything.

The Break UP

Now this is always interesting in long term relationships.   What do you keep, what do they get?  Sometimes it’s easier to just walk away and start fresh.  I remember my wife arguing about a half bottle of gin and neither of us really drank gin.     Of course it depends on why your marriage crashes and burns.   Infidelity is always a killer.   Money issues are the biggest causes of break ups.    Of course there are jokes that money is one of the biggest causes of marriage!

Good people can simply not make good couples sometimes.     But as I’ve spoken to people over this past year the one thing I’ve heard a lot of was about expectations.     People really don’t change.  They evolve.   They can be polished.  They can learn, but they never change; especially as they get older.

Are enough of us really honest with ourselves before we take that leap?  Are we honest about our expectations of our partners?    Do we look for the same thing?    Do you really make a huge life long decision because you like big boobs or red hair or a HUMONGOUS package?

When you get a pet it’s a 10-20 year commitment, but a spouse?  That’s supposed to be a life time depending on your vows!

Kids & Pets

BOOM!   This is usually a total disaster when kids are involved.  Custody is brutal, but pets can be just as bad.  In our case we parented each others animals for nearly 8 years.    Losing a beloved pet with no access is not an animal friendly experience.   You can’t really fight for custody of pets as they are considered “Chattel” by the courts.   Possessions.  It’s like trying to get your wife’s old 80’s dance cd’s.   Judges frown on that sort of thing…

So you wake up that first morning.   It feels odd.   For me it was shock.   I think I was in shock for months.   A friend in the states talks about some of his co-workers walking around like zombies at work for months after a break up.    Things are different.   It’s like losing a limb in many ways and still having phantom feelings….

Of course it depends on your break up.  Some are more nasty or amicable than others.  In my case it was mixed as my wife was home sick for BC, way over on the other side of the country and hated the city where we lived.

We don’t bump into each other locally as happens to so many people.

First Dates

Rebound dates are the weirdest things in the world.   On both sides of the equation.  I have no idea why anyone would want to date someone that’s just broken up from a long term relationship.   The person is usually a basket job.    Griping about their ex – comparing the new person to their ex – uncontrollably weeping at that  Rod Stewart song playing in the restaurant…

See there are reasons why we connect with someone and live with them for large chunks of our lives and those are usually very valid.   Just because we break up doesn’t change them.   Yet that person is gone?   Will we find someone better?  Mathematically speaking the answer is usually yes.  I spoke with one gentleman who shared that for 15 years after his first break up he just dated.   Lightness and sex, but nothing serious because he just wasn’t ready.

Of course the newly on the market are vulnerable.   They can feel rejected and have issues.   The older they are the harder this can be and there are sharks a swimming in the world.

And then one day, a year, two years, or ten years down the road you wake up and realize that even though you’re scarred for life you’ll be fine.  You’ll survive and probably live to make an even bigger mistake down the road!

I think for me it’s always been about learning from each relationship in my life even if it’s only a morsel from each one.

Sometimes it’s hard to remember that we can do so much right in relationships or life and still end up with blech results.

Sometimes we win the lottery of love and sometimes we just have to crumple the paper and buy another ticket.

So amazing viewers of The Cornwall Free News.  Your turn to share on your relationship theories and experiences.   You can post your comments below.

And to my lovely, intelligent, and amazing ex wife to be out in British Columbia I hope that you get all the blessings in this life you wanted.   And please give my Lee Loo a kiss on her very old nose!

Time does heal most wounds and it does this magical trick of making the good memories usually shine more than the dark ones.

(Comments and opinions of Editorials, Letters to the Editor, and comments from readers are purely their own and don’t necessarily reflect those of the owners of this site, their staff, or sponsors.)

Flowers Cornwall

23 Responses to "Does Life Long Marriage Make Sense Any More? Relationship Thoughts by Jamie Gilcig – August 14, 2012"

  1. stellabystarlight   August 14, 2012 at 8:04 PM

    Wow Jamie……I sincerely hope things get better for you!!

    You may have heard this before, but here it goes again.

    There comes a point in your life when you realize
    Who matters..who never did and who won’t anymore
    And who always will
    So don’t worry about people from your past
    There’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.

  2. stellabystarlight   August 15, 2012 at 11:05 AM

    Jamie…..

    Many times it seems that couples take each other for granted after being together for some time. We become too comfortable with each other thinking we have it made for life…..not so. Nothing is forever, it is an endless task that takes communication to make it work and yet sometimes that doesn’t work. Remember the words of this song “I don’t know what went wrong but the feeling gone and I just can’t get it back”? At that point….there is no sense in even trying.

    I feel one needs to take time to build a strong foundation and also needs to do some introspection before jumping into another relationship. How can one love someone else if they don’t understand themselves or even know their own needs? When a relationship ends I think it is safe to say that many times both sides have to be mature enough to admit their failures and how their behavior may have affected the relationship. Yes many people fall out of love….but something within the relationship has triggered those emotions and lost feelings. That is where introspection comes in. Let’s face it, if someone had multiple relationships and is still unsettled in life, they definitely have a self esteem problem.

    No one ever said life would be easy Jamie…..c’est la vie!!!

    Don’t worry about the potholes in the road
    Just celebrate the journey!!!…..B Hoffman

  3. jules   August 15, 2012 at 2:38 PM

    Jamie I am a woman who is 61 years old and I have been married now for 38 years next month. Heaven help me. My husband is Lebanese Christian and we have very little in common. He is from Lebanon and it is real guess work at times and our temperament is entirely different. I need a card of sympathy at times.

    My parents were married for 50 years until dad died and they went through the great depression of the 30’s era and with all the hell that they went through together and raised two girls during the depression until I came in 51. My grandparents stayed together as well until the end as well.

    Jamie you are right about staying single until you were 40. Young people today are mostly divorced. The divorce rate is around 60% if not more. There are many reasons for divorce and they can varie.

    My former supervisor who was born in 1930 divorced and her son never wanted to get married but just co-habited. My former supervisor purchased her house here in Ottawa from a couple who were divorcing in their 60’s and it was funny to hear that after all the hell they went through together and then finally cut it quits.

    This is very sad indeed and I wish you the best Jamie. It is best to remain single. My husband’s uncle who was a doctor of internatl medicine and a director of the UNRWA (United Nations for War Refugees in Lebanon) never married and died single and happy. His married friends were mostly miserable and he said that there was no price for freedom and how very true that is. Take care and the best to you.

  4. Reg Coffey   August 15, 2012 at 4:25 PM

    Hey Jamie, I just had to comment on this one even though I am down here in California. I am here for the wedding of a nephew and his lovely soon-to-be wife.

    I don’t know what makes a sucsessful marriage for everyone. I know about my own 36 year marriage. My wife and I are still together because we have shared our lives both as individuals and as a couple. We have gone through tragedies and have survived. We share each other’s successes without any petty jealousy. Most of all we approach life with a shared sense of humour. If you can laugh together you can get through just about anything.

    Talk to you when I get back.

  5. stellabystarlight   August 15, 2012 at 5:21 PM

    Reg……Your key words were “we shared our lives as individuals and as a couple” Individuality is a must.

    Have a good time in CA. **smile**

  6. jules   August 15, 2012 at 7:00 PM

    Reg Coffey you are so right about sharing through the good and the bad and also that sense of humor which we both have. My husband is 6 years my senior and his temperament is something else. I have to joke things off and laugh and later he comes down from his crazy episodes of blowing up steam like those Mediterraneans do. You have to overlook so much including all the insults that I have to take but I have to compromise in the best way I can to make things work. We are complete opposites and my husband always tells people that I am the only person who can tolerate his horrible character. He is very good in general with the people but he expects so much from others. My children don’t want to get married at all and they see what is going on around them. Marriage is not for everyone and one has to compromise and find ways of pleasing the other person. Marriage is a lot of work and it takes a great deal of patience as well. Patience – I sure have to have that around my husband that is for sure. These people are hyperactive in general and it doesn’t take much to set them off. I always think that it is God’s wish how my husband and I are still together.

    I will say something else and that is we are going to go through a mighty tough economy – depression style economy and people have to be mighty strong to stay together and pull through just like my parents and grandparents did. I cry when I think of what they went through. I live in my little rented hovel in the sky (highrise apartment here in Ottawa) and how many can live like we do (4 adults into one small unit) and be happy and thank God for what we have. We have a good friend who has cancer and it went into the blood system even further and now has leukemia. People should thank the Good Lord for good health and have food on their table and not grumble over stupidity. Mighty hard times are coming very soon. My husband has sisters and relatives in Lebanon and we are all very worried about them and we pray that they would be ok. They went through hell on earth during the Civil War and here in Canada we grumble. Well we have nothing to grumble about. The family has no electricity over there except for 2 hours a day and they pay the full bill even though they have none. They used to get their water from the street and the gangs were selling it at a huge sum. One of my SIL’s was shot in the ankle and has had problems ever since including cancer. People out there don’t grumble but instead get on your knees and pray. You don’t know how well you are until something terrible happens.

  7. Pastor Tom Newton   August 15, 2012 at 8:48 PM

    Jamie, in my family, my father, my stepfather, all my brothers, and one sister all were divorced once or twice, or have married those who have been divorced. My older brother even took in my half brother’s wife and they lived together for years, even had children. Now they have gone their separate ways! But I have been never divorced, by God’s grace I have broken the curse of drunkenness and divorce that has literally destroyed my family. What has made the difference?

    Of course, I am going to give God all the credit for these twenty-five years, but a lot of Christian marriages in our day are ending in divorce too. Wherein are these Christians failing? In order to answer this for you and for other Christians that should know better, there are two words that are missing from our lives – covenant and commitment. Commitment to each other (our spouses) can only be as strong and enduring as our commitment to God in salvation and in marriage, that is where the word covenant comes in to view.

    We fail, on the whole in society, by not acknowledging that marriage is before God between one man and one woman. The Scriptures put it like this – ‘what God has joined together, let no man put asunder”. Some of my family have had their “church” weddings, but they never considered that they were making a binding covenant before God, and were now responsible to order their marriage relationship according to the Word of God, even as Christ loved the church – the ultimate example of a marriage relationship. The word “vow” is a covenant promise before God and man. We break are vows before God when we fail to honour marriage and our marriage partner. We receive God’s blessing by honouring our vows before Him.

    The next word that is missing is the word commitment. If we thought of the marriage covenant as a legal, binding contract before God and man, maybe we would begin to understand the word commitment. Jamie, you being in the news business, you quite well understand the value of someone honouring their contact. When I think of today’s idea or meaning of commitment, I am reminded of a car lease – when the lease is up, I get a new car. Marriage is no longer sacred. It is no longer under God, so the car lease mentality is a very appropriate way of describing what secularism has done to marriage.

    We bring up our parents, grandparents in this matter, and we are amazed at the commitment they had one to another, for so many years. It is true that they did not all have a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, but they knew that marriage was at lease sacred in some sense. The sacredness helped them to work things out – “for better or worse, until death do us part”. It was the trials, the marriage difficulties that made them stronger, and love each other unconditionally. I saw a poster about marriage recently; it spoke of fixing the problems in marriage, rather then getting a new car lease! Ever buy a used car? You get what you paid for! Yes, it is earlier to get a new car, fall into a new relationship, but when are you (all of us) going to start fixing the problem. Begin by considering the following verse of scripture – Heb 13:4 “Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled; but God will judge fornicators and adulterers”.

    I know that separation hurts, and it is never fun, people always get hurt. The blame game doesn’t make it better. I remember standing in court as a ten year old, watching my dad fight my mother verbally. I have seen blows, and other objects thrown. I remember even a time when my dad went to couch my mother. What could I do to have a marriage work out? What did I know about covenant commitment to anyone? About marriage being sacred before God? God showed me, from the start. His love has made all the difference. I have ten children – what have they seen in these 25 years of faithful marriage to my wife? Ask them!

  8. Shirley   August 15, 2012 at 9:37 PM

    That is quite the discussion you opened up Jamie. Since people are being so candid. I am in the process of breaking up after a 30+ year marriage, something I made every attempt to avert until I felt that it was no longer an option to continue as things stood.

    Sociologically, divorce at the 35 year mark is very common nowadays as couples reach the empty nest stage, look at each other, and say “Do we want to do another 30 plus years with this other person?” It is perfectly understandable if you give people a chance to explain themselves. Sometimes when people choose not to change and their partner needs to, the relationship comes to an intersection where it is no longer possible to compromise your own needs, wants and desires. The bottom line is that you should be comfortable to be relaxed and at ease with yourself and your partner throughout the relationship and work through issues in a respectful and equal manner. If this does not happen the the relationship needs some kind of first aid. Having tried it all I feel satisfied that I did everything possible to make it work and feel at peace with myself. I feel fortunate to be in that head space and that is probably why it took me so long to arrive at the decision. It is a very personal matter.

    One thing I really appreciate is when people whom I know just offer support without getting all upset and saddened or triggered. It is a real God send when someone accepts you just the way you are. I do believe in marriage, it is a sacred institution created for the well being of the human race. Until we actually realize how sacred it is we will continue treating it like with disrespect. Marriage should be like two birds cooing in a nest that they have created. Marriage is like building a house together, you really have to know what you are doing in the first place. Marriage is created mainly to provide a secure basis for having and raising children. No one should be obliged to get married nor to have children, these are entirely personal choices.

    It has surprised me to discover that at some point in the future I envision a relationship with someone special who takes good care of themselves, loves me for who I am and whom I can love in return. I think we all need to have someone to care about in our live otherwise we can feel empty and lonely. There is no lonelier place than a marriage bed where, if it was wood stove, there is only cold ashes.
    Really appreciate the thougthful comments, read them over several times, kindest regards to all of you.

  9. Wow!   August 15, 2012 at 9:51 PM

    Mrs. Wow! and I have been married for 17 years and it will continue until I die.

  10. Pastor Tom Newton   August 16, 2012 at 6:30 AM

    Shirley writes – “Marriage is for …”. How about for the honor, and glory of God. Marriage sets for the example of Christ and His bride – the church. Every human marriage is to follow that model. Christ will never divorce His church, so according to the Word of God divorce is breaking the marriage covenant made before God – other words it is sin in God’s eyes.

    Malachi 2:14-16 “Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. 15 And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. 16 For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away(divorce): for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously”.

    The Lord Jesus says this about divorce -“Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery”(Luke 16:18).

    So if that is the case before God, then some will say “We will just live together!” God calls such arrangement sin also – immorality, fornication. It is either God’s way, with His help and grace, or no way – singleness.

    All such sins will bring down the judgment of God. Now and forever!

  11. stellabystarlight   August 16, 2012 at 6:31 AM

    Shirley…all the best to you!!! At least you can say you tried. Sometimes things happen that are unavoidable and we must do what has to be done to have peace of mind and be happy. No one should have to change who they are for their partner. It is better to be lonely alone then to feel loneliness and emptiness with another.

    Something I read but forget the author:

    You were not put into this world to live up to my expectation
    Nor was I to live up to yours.
    You are you and I am I
    And if by chance we find each other
    It will be beautiful

  12. jules   August 16, 2012 at 11:25 AM

    Pastor Newton said it right about marriage being compared to God’s church and that God doesn’t divorce His church. In past years of the 50’s and before that divorce was taboo and still is in many cultures. In my husband’s country of Lebanon the church runs the government and there is no divorce except what they call an anulment given by the Pope in Rome. The only divorce is granted to Islamic people because their own “sheck” leaders hold a trial before granting a divorce and it is under their laws. In my husband’s country there are only certain reasons for divorce which are under church laws and no other. The man gets the children and he can make his wife come back – a patriarchal society. We were married in a Catholic church and we take our vows for real and it is before God.

    Morals have collapsed in the 60’s with this women’s liberation movement came on which was to do away with the family. It was the Rockefellers who sponsored that woman in the US to do just that. Listen to Aaron Rousso on youtube.com speak about all this and he was a friend of Nelson Rockefeller who told him about that and so much more. Aaron discovered Bette Midler.

    We all wonder why we have so much dirty government today and a very bad society well that is the answer folks. We have ourselves to blame for all of this mess. We cannot blame God but only ourselves when we take God out of the homes, the schools, government, etc. This is what these Satanists want like the Rothschilds (Rotweilers family is what I call them), the Rockefellers, and many others. It is all done by design and these are the world’s leaders. In the words of old Meyer Amshel Rothschild a.k.a. Bauer – I don’t care who makes the laws of the nation as long as I control the finance. That was back in the 1700’s and his sons and grandsons, etc. took over down through the line. Look it all up folks on youtube.com to know all the history.

  13. Ed   August 16, 2012 at 1:38 PM

    I’ve been happily with my partner for twenty-eight years and counting. No god, no church, no marriage vows required.

  14. Pastor Tom Newton   August 16, 2012 at 4:17 PM

    But Ed, your marriage has not glorified God at all. What other reason has God given to you to be here on this earth?

    1 Corinthians 10:31 “Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God”.

  15. Ed   August 17, 2012 at 4:54 AM

    But Tom, my relationship with my partner was never intended to glorify something which does not exist.

  16. jules   August 17, 2012 at 7:06 PM

    People are way too materialistic today and hard times are coming a great deal worse than what we have today. When people feel the pinch marriages usually break up because they cannot stand the heat of it all. People cannot do with less. Well folks I do with a great deal less and I am no different now in my little hovel than if I lived in a mansion because all that means absolutely nothing. We are in the end times and we don’t know when Jesus decides to come back but He will at His own time and that is when people become unbelievers, lovers of themselves, fornicators, thieves, etc. Yes we have those today and it is only going to get a great deal worse.

    This morning we went out for a drive and ended up on Island Park Drive here in Ottawa – a wealthy neighborhood. Some houses for sale and we spotted one for rent. I was looking at them and you don’t see a soul outside – everyone hidden inside. I said to my husband that behind those brick and stone walls there is a great deal of sadness and we both agreed on that. Maybe some of those couples are splitting and who knows the kind of hell that the children will be going through.

    People always want more and more and are never satisfied. When Jesus comes back He will destroy what man built and will teach people how to live. This kind of world is only a temporary one that is loaded with sin.

    Jamie this is a real tragedy indeed for you. There are many marriages out there on the rocks. If your ex thinks that BC is so great then let her go. I know of a woman who is a professional status lady married to another professional status man and couldn’t afford to live in BC any longer and came back to Ottawa. I knew her many years ago and spoke to her mom. BC has million dollar shacks that are going down at least 90% as well as all of Canada in real estate. A humoungous economic depression is coming so batten down the hatches and make sure that you have food on your table and the Lord in your hearts. We will need God badly in order to get through all of this. I know because my parents and much older sisters went through the horrible 30’s era.

  17. jules   August 18, 2012 at 1:59 PM

    Marriage is like the foundation of a house and when there are cracks in the foundation there is trouble where water gets in and deteriorates the house. Well in marriage if you do not correct the problems then they get a lot worse and it does kill a marriage.

    I want everyone to go on youtube.com and listen to this wonderful passage which if 45 minutes long and I want all of you to listen to it from beginning to end and there is a Messianic Jews (a Jesus believer – rabbi) and a Messianic Jew host and listen mighty carefully because they are talking about the Harbinger, 911, as well as economic, etc. and from ancient Israel to today. They speak about the late Pastor Wilkinson – such a wonderful pastor and you can look him up too.

    Here is what to look up on youtube.com: Was 911 a warning from God? Amazing Biblical secrets of America’s Future. This concerns we Canadians and the entire world. Even the way we are with our families is all part of this in Isiah 9-10 in the King James Bible. I am Catholic and I have the King James as well as a Catholic Bible but I always follow the King James Version. It is all very true that if people do not repent and get back with God then things are going to continue to fall apart. The rabbi gives the real economic fall of the US and the world in 2015 but it is also going to start towards the end of this year as well as after the US elections.

    Marriage is the foundation of a family and when something goes wrong then things really go wrong. As a Catholic we were never taught the Bible and I can guarantee you that I follow a lot of the ministers and the good teachings. It is that and going back to God and regretting past mistakes that have kept my marriage together. I want everyone to go through the video on youtube.com from beginning to end and understand fully about what they are talking about. The Cedar Tree of Lebanon is sacred and it is the strongest tree in the world and it is God’s tree. Mrs. Walid Joublat (who is not a Christian but a Druze lady as well as her husband) speaks about the Cedars of Lebanon on youtube.com.

    Again here is the site to look for on youtube.com: Was 911 a warning from God? Amazing Biblical secrets of America’s Future.

  18. cynthia   August 19, 2012 at 6:14 PM

    does life long marriage make sense any more?
    depends on who is answering the question, it is a matter of perspective and personal opinion.
    one thing i know for sure , we don’t divorce the person we marry. we change and grow as we age, some of us change and grow together , some of us move apart.
    perhaps we experience more than one (intended) life long marriage per lifetime.

  19. Darcy Neal   August 20, 2012 at 8:36 AM

    Dear Jamie,

    Please accept my appreciation for your honest open presentation of your personal private life. You have much courage to reveal such affairs in our open public sphere.

    Interpersonal relationships is our source of joy and of misery within our individual living environments. We continually seek pleasurable experiences while trying to avoid pain including emotional pain. Men and women have natural moments together when it is shear pleasure, be it physical or emotional and we also have moments where it is pure pain to be in the same environment.

    I have been there. I am divorced and I am re-married. My first family experienced failed but my second family experience is still going on with all its interpersonal challenges for just over 26 years. My wedding vows to Francine were and still are; “You be you, I be me, when we can, let’s share some time together.”

    Francine is a very wonderful amazing caring person who has many flaws that I tolerate. I’m a rude, crude and inappropriate person but she tolerates my childish sense of homour, especially when I’m playing with our children. She finds me fun even when I irritate her. I think it’s our toleration of each other flaws that has helped us in maintaining our relationship.

    Chances are risky for long term couple relationships. We take our chances and live our lives as best we can while tolerating each other as best we can. Life is not easy but we associate with those we desire in order to facilitate our lives withing our living environments.

    Again, Jamie, thanks for opening this personal subject and for presenting your experience in it. Open discussions lead to better relationships.

    I offer you my kindest regards;
    Neal

  20. Pastor Tom Newton   August 20, 2012 at 4:55 PM

    Darcy writes – “My wedding vows to Francine were and still are; “You be you, I be me, when we can, let’s share some time together.”

    Darcy what does it mean when the Scriptures say concerning marriage-

    Genesis 2:24 “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh”.

    Mark 10:8 “And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh”.

  21. Neil Macmillan   August 20, 2012 at 8:02 PM

    Dear Jamie,
    To answer your question from personal experience, I would say that it is possible to marry someone you would like to spend all your life (and beyond) with, but you still have to take it one day at a time.
    In my case, it’s been close to 44 years and counting, and I can only hope that it will continue. However, in this life, as “stellabystarlight” pointed out, we should never take anything for granted.

  22. jules   August 20, 2012 at 8:06 PM

    Hi Jamie:

    You mentioned something interesting in your post on marriage about if you marry someone who hates the person you marry. Well I can tell you something out of experience is that when in-laws meddle into a couple’s life (not hate but either jeolousy or putting the other person down and running down the spouse to the husband or wife – too much interference) well problems sure do happen. I had that experience with my MIL when she came to Canada when my son was born and all hell broke loose here in this same apartment and it was a life of hell between MIL, my husband and myself. Those people are so mighty attached to their mothers and anything that the mother says goes. I have a long story but she was a busy body.

    This didn’t just happen to me but my husband’s brother in Sydney Australia had the same thing happen in their family. My husband’s brother married one of their own and both MIL and SIL went to Australia and made life hell as well. I thought that it was just me because I am an outsider compared to them but no life became a hell where they almost split.

    I did split from my husband for one week and kept my son who was born at the time with my parents while I lived at the Y here in Ottawa. My husband went crawling to me to Cornwall to come back. This is to say keep in-laws out of your marriage. It is great to have family around but not to interfere in your life. Sometimes they mean well and sometimes they don’t but marriage is between husband and wife even though you marry the family as well.

    In the Mediterranean families it is like that and lots of competition between in-laws. I learned to understand a lot about what they were all about and it takes time to understand their habits. Some things you like and other things you dislike. Can you imagine when they all live together – OMG – that would be horrendous. LOL LOL. Women cater to the men.

    I remember this Italian lady that I worked with who catered to her husband. When she lived with her parents she catered to her brother. Men do not do housework unless necessary. Nowadays things are changing a little but in a general sense they don’t do anything but work to support the family.

  23. stellabystarlight   August 20, 2012 at 9:23 PM

    Jules…..as for women catering to men, I think men should cater to women also. It’s a two way street. Thinking to be catered to once in awhile shows appreciation for the other. It also feels nice *smile*

    As far as partnerships go, both should contribute in pleasing the other. No one should have to forfeit their needs to please the other. Respect goes a long way in keeping a couple together.

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